vom_marlowe: (Default)
[personal profile] vom_marlowe
I quit reading CA a long time ago, for the most part.  For the mild social situations like what to do when you want to go restaurant A and your friends wish to go to restaurant B, I think she's fine.  Gifs, funny quotes, snark, sure.

But I think her advice on mental illness is terrible.  I think her advice on how to deal with oneself or one's partner in a context of mental illness inside a healthy relationship is pretty spectacularly awful. 

I have been doing a LOT of thinking about the CA thing, and disability issues, and relationships.  I just can't help thinking that the attitudes and advice there is like a siren-song that's luring some people to their (relationship) death and it makes me sad.

(I could explain why I think this, if people are interested, but I'm pretty sure I am a far outlier on this topic.  Near as I can tell, most people love CA.)

(no subject)

Date: 2013-08-25 05:22 pm (UTC)
kore: (Prozac nation)
From: [personal profile] kore
TELL ME MORE


I had to actually leechblock CA a while ago, I don't remember exactly what did it -- I think it was the increasing echo chamber comments ('Jedi hugs!') and how every single small relationship problem was solved by 'DUMP HIS LOUSY ASS.'

(no subject)

Date: 2013-08-25 05:35 pm (UTC)
kore: (Default)
From: [personal profile] kore
'If you can't get off that sofa you can at least DUST around it, baby!'

(no subject)

Date: 2013-08-26 09:10 pm (UTC)
havocthecat: shego facepalms at stupid people, and everything else (kim possible shego facepalm)
From: [personal profile] havocthecat
I feel like the general CA mantra is very self-focused. Like, the logic is there, but the underlying premise seems to be 'do what's best for you,' not 'let's see what can be done about the situation.'

Sometimes, sure, you need to set standards and have people help pull their weight (though I think that 'or you should dump them' need not be a first resort piece of advice), and also sometimes that itty bitty goal of folding one piece of laundry really is that major victory. But neither one is really about anyone other than yourself.

Some people need to be reminded that they deserve to take care of themselves too! But in CA's case, it feels like a one size fits all solution, and I feel like sometimes she and her commenters don't take empathy for others into account when suggesting solutions either. So it falls flat and feels simplistic to me.

YMMV and anyone reading may feel free to disagree with me, of course. I will admit, I became disenchanted with CA once I discovered she was planning to write a book based on her webpage and use selected comments in her book. I asked her to delete my comments, provided her with links to all of them, and I certainly hope that she has respected my wishes and done so as she agreed.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-08-29 10:10 pm (UTC)
kore: (Default)
From: [personal profile] kore
I like that a lot. Like v_m says, I don't think I've ever seen CA advise doing something for someone else -- even a little something! -- in the name of compromise or easing strain or making people feel better, or whatever, and while I know women get used to doormatting themselves due to cultural and personal expectations, it's like she goes too far in the other direction.

I discovered she was planning to write a book based on her webpage and use selected comments in her book

HOLY CRAP WHAT?

(no subject)

Date: 2013-08-25 07:01 pm (UTC)
boxofdelights: (Default)
From: [personal profile] boxofdelights
Do you mean all the contempt toward people who aren't pulling their own weight? I am still reading, I do still like her, but ow, every time there's an opportunity to vent some anger toward people who are failing to cope, ow ow ow.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-08-26 08:30 pm (UTC)
kore: (Prozac nation)
From: [personal profile] kore
I'm also profoundly uncomfortable at how much advice she directs to and about mental illness without professional training (the social anxiety guy was AWFUL but I formed this opinion before that).

YUP

I thought some of her DTMF 'advice' was sketchy but it's not at all on the same level as 'Let's mock the person with mental illness!' Gahh.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-08-25 08:05 pm (UTC)
jjhunter: Drawing of human JJ in ink tinted with blue watercolor; woman wearing glasses with arched eyebrows (JJ inked)
From: [personal profile] jjhunter
This is really interesting to hear. I like CA's advice re: conversation scripts and certain elements of here's-how-to-handle-x-social-situation; I very rarely read any of the comment sections; I do not have the lived experience romantic relationship-wise to parse the relationship-specific advice critically to the same degree I can parse most of the other stuff.

Are there other columnists / writers whose advice on the subject of
how to deal with oneself or one's partner in a context of mental illness inside a healthy relationship
you'd recommend instead? I'm fond of Dear Sugar, and Hyperbole and a Half, but neither of those seem to be updating currently.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-08-26 02:27 am (UTC)
daedala: line drawing of a picture of a bicycle by the awesome Vom Marlowe (Default)
From: [personal profile] daedala
I never really sat down to figure out what my issue was with the blog, but I don't read it regularly. Sometimes I like the social advice, but yeah, the more serious stuff just rubbed me the wrong way.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-08-26 02:09 pm (UTC)
havocthecat: the lady of shalott (Default)
From: [personal profile] havocthecat
I would love to hear more. I am not a fan of CA for several reasons, though I don't say that much because of her general popularity.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-08-26 03:58 pm (UTC)
ironed_orchid: pin up girl reading kant (Default)
From: [personal profile] ironed_orchid
I mostly like the blog, but there is this big message of "You Get to Look After Yourself" which sometimes ends up coming over as "You come first" and likewise the message that it's okay to walk away from relationships that aren't working (which I think is a good and important message) sometimes see4ms expressed as "if relationship isn't working, then walk away".

Which is not very helpful or nuanced.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-08-26 05:47 pm (UTC)
via_ostiense: Eun Chan eating, yellow background (Default)
From: [personal profile] via_ostiense
I go back and forth on CA; some entries are useful, and some make me go ^.-.

(no subject)

Date: 2013-08-29 10:14 pm (UTC)
kore: (Default)
From: [personal profile] kore
Someone asked me something like 'But what do you do when using your words _doesn't_ work?' (I think the context was a difficult conversation with a parent.) And DTMF usually seems like the rote answer, which....no.

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